3 phases of relational trauma recovery

Here, I discuss healing from relational or complex trauma in therapy. Keep in mind there are many approaches to trauma recovery, and it is so important to connect with a therapist—and an approach—that resonates with you.

Healing from relational trauma isn't a straight line, and there's no "right" way or timeline to move through it. These three phases aren't distinct boxes you check off—they often overlap, circle back, and weave together throughout your healing journey. Think of this as a gentle framework to help you understand what relational trauma recovery can look like, rather than a rigid roadmap you need to follow perfectly.

Phase 1: Naming - What did you lose?

The first step in healing is giving voice to what you experienced—and this means naming both the trauma itself and what it took from you. Every trauma, no matter how "small" it might seem to others, comes with real losses. Honoring your story means acknowledging this clearly and without minimizing your experience.

Many people carry relational traumas that don't fit the typical image of what trauma "looks like," or at least how it’s talked about. Maybe you've told yourself that others had it worse, or that your life was never in danger, so it couldn't really be trauma. But here's what I want you to know: experiences like being regularly yelled at or cursed at by a parent, having your emotions dismissed or ignored, living with a family member's frequent emotional outbursts, experiencing religious shaming, or rarely receiving encouragement for your unique interests and dreams—these absolutely count as trauma.

These "little t" traumas, as we sometimes call them, can leave profound and lasting impacts, especially when you didn't have a safe person to help you process what was happening. Depending on when these experiences occurred, how often they happened, and what support was available to help you make sense of them, these seemingly "smaller" traumas can actually have the same—or sometimes even more significant—long-lasting effects than life-threatening events. The “little t’s” ADD UP.

So we start here: naming what happened to you and acknowledging how significant these experiences have been in shaping your life. Your pain deserves to be witnessed and validated, and this process is essential to healing. This phase also tends to involve progressive reparenting as you learn to meet your experiences—those that have been chronically invalidated—with compassion, rather than the criticism that might feel more familiar.

Phase 2: Processing - How did this shape you?

Once we've acknowledged the significant events and patterns from your past, we can begin to move through them more slowly and gently, focusing on what feels most painful or challenging for you right now.

This is where we dive deeper into understanding what these experiences cost you. Maybe you lost your fundamental sense of safety in the world, or your belief that you're inherently worthy of love and respect. Perhaps you lost faith that you could pursue your dreams and still be accepted, or you became disconnected from your own values and authentic self. These losses are real, and they deserve our attention and care.

During this phase, we might work with specialized approaches like Brainspotting, which helps access and process trauma held in the body, or Attachment Repair work that focuses on building your inner resources and strength. Attachment-Focused EMDR is another powerful tool that can help reprocess traumatic memories while strengthening your sense of security and connection.

The goal isn't to rush through your story or your pain, but to move through both at a pace that feels manageable and safe for you.

Phase 3: Rebuilding - How do you want to move forward?

The third phase focuses on a beautiful question: "Now that you're not just surviving anymore, how do you want to live?" This is where we explore what you still want to work through to create a life that feels truly yours, what areas you'd like to grow in, and what kind of support you need to take those next steps.

This phase is about reclaiming parts of yourself that got lost along the way and discovering new possibilities for your relationships, work, and overall experience of life. It's about moving from simply healing your wounds to actively creating the life you want.

Supporting your healing journey

Remember, these phases aren't separate compartments—you might experience moments of rebuilding even while you're still processing old pain, and that's not just normal, it's wonderful! Healing rarely happens in a neat, linear way.

To support this work, we have several powerful tools available. Brainspotting can help you access your own innate resources and expand your sense of what's possible. Attachment-Focused EMDR helps add in missing pieces of security and connection while opening new neural pathways for your future. Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy can offer profound insights and help you move beyond barriers that feel stuck or overwhelming.

These approaches work beautifully alongside traditional therapy, and in my experience, combining them often enhances their effectiveness. The key is finding what resonates with you and supports your unique healing process.

Your journey toward healing is uniquely yours, and you deserve support that honors both where you've been and where you're heading. If you would like to connect with a therapist who understands this process and can help you grow beyond where you’ve been, please reach out today.